Well, I finally did it! After many weeks of thinking about doing it, I am posting my first blog! What took so long, you may be asking? I could say that the timing wasn’t right or that I had other things that occupied my attention. These certainly would be true from a certain perspective, but these were really just excuses. A more honest answer would be that I was scared. That’s right, S-C-A-R-E-D. It finally dawned on me the other day, after all of these years!
You see, just prior to gaining the insight to my fear, I was feeling a little empty inside, despite just living the most enjoyable year and a half of my life. During that time, I made a conscious effort to maximize my joy in each moment. In other words, I “followed my heart” like never before. Yet, there I was, approaching the last weekend in March, feeling that something was still not quite right with my life.
Attending the Green Festival that last weekend in March helped to remind me of one passion of mine that I had been neglecting even during this joyous time in my life: Sharing my perspective with a large number of people. Heck, looking back at my life, it seems that it was rare that I share a thought with more than maybe a couple of people! I had always tended to keep quiet in social situations even if my “blood was boiling”. Why was that? It dawned on me that way back in my early school years I learned that if I was to be accepted by my fellow classmates, I best not “show them up” in the classroom. I would excel in my studies quietly from that point on. It was not until high school when I began to have confidence to express myself in public to some extent. The trend certainly has continued to this day.
Now that I think of it, though, I remember learning in high school that I had to be careful not in terms of being “too good” academically but in terms of being “too different” from the way my social group thought and behaved. Fortunately, as I have matured, my concern with my differentness has diminished.
Nevertheless, this pattern of “fear of standing out” was still lurking in my being in 2009! What’s a guy to do? Here’s what I came up with: Because I love myself enough to take the responsibility to fulfill myself; I do not need the love of another to fill me. What others think of me really is not important to me. Therefore, this fear is merely an old habit that no longer serves me; its time has come to pass. I realized that one relatively easy way to help the passing of this habit was to “face my fear” and look for any opportunity to express myself and commit myself to take advantage of those situations no matter how different from the social norm my expressions turn out to be and no matter how anxious I might feel about expressing myself.
Given my commitment to look for opportunities to express myself, I realized that I had committed a personal sin by delaying the creation of my blog, especially since it is a fairly easy way to express oneself publically.
I now realize that this blog is, at the very least, an outlet for my passions, which I know I am meant to share with the world. Ultimately, it matters not if anyone else reads or likes these entries. I do suspect that if my writings are filled with passion, others will feel it and find the writings interesting and meaningful to their own lives. In any case, I welcome feedback. Who knows? The feedback might even steer the direction of the blog!